The fright
August 24th, 2008 by park
After my last post, I decided to give my brain a break and have just been muddling around doing as little as possible. All that stuff in your head reaches a crescendo, then it dies off for awhile. It leaves you a bit…vacant.
Then I discovered possibly one of the worlds greatest and most underrated actors giving a fantastic performance. And it scared me, how close it came to how I feel about my own issues. 1939, Germany. And even then they understood psychology as well as (and possibly better than) we do today. There was a more honest approach to the situation. I wonder sometimes if putting down the mentally unstable still wouldn’t be our best solution, as the man in this film says “you’ll escape or get a pardon. Then there you are, free on the law” a law, I might add that is there to protect you. Anyway, it’s ten minutes of Lorre at his best. Never hurts to watch the man put a bit of his soul on display.
Courage or weakness
August 23rd, 2008 by park
Courage means something different to everyone. To some, it’s standing up to that bully in school. For others, it’s knowing their own bodies are killing them slowly with an unstoppable disease and living a somewhat normal life. Somewhere in between lie all kinds of gray area. But what it really comes down to is strength. That inside everyone beats the heart of a lion, and that in the end we will find a way to tap into that to keep pressing on when things seem their worst.
You go through life wondering what it is that will test your mettle. A carjacking? A terrorist bombing? An accidental shooting by your own sibling? Try to imagine what you think would push you to the limits of your inner strength. What could make you need that cold, hard piece of yourself you keep locked away for emergencies. Somewhere, that’s the small reptilian side of humanity that has kept us going since our beginnings. We fight within ourselves over who we feel we are with what is expected from the outside. And that war can tear a person down faster than any drill sergeant in the world ever could. Because no matter what another person tells you, that little voice inside is really you.
You are a failure. You didn’t hold up. You didn’t make it in time. That is you. It’s not some guy standing on a pedestal looking down and judging you. It’s your own mind telling you exactly what you already know about yourself. Because it knows things no drill instructor could ever know about you. It’s knows your worst fears, your greatest weaknesses, your triumphs and your failures.
And I want to kill that guy. Because he never shuts up. No matter what I do right, he’s there. No matter what I do wrong, he’s there. Always reminding me. Always taunting me to do more. This is what depression is. This is what neurosis feels like. There is someone else in control, and no amount of strength, no amount of the right thing will shut it up, because it’s you. And it’s right. You did screw up. You did drop the ball. You are a failure.
There is no amount of love that can fix it. No amount of medication that can cover it up. There is not enough support, money, or time to take care of it. And it just keeps going. That voice. Knowing it is right. Knowing it’s just you that is loathing you.
Some will tell you “just buck up” or “hang in there”. Sometimes there is no bucking up. Sometimes you run out of things to hold onto. And you slip. And it’s a long way down.
It is weakness to take your own life. It is brave to jump in front of a bullet. What an odd juxtaposition. Suicide is the single greatest self centered activity one can partake in. Thankfully, it is usually the last as well.
People will say things set off a depressive episode. But I say that’s not the case. Sometimes your life will be churning along as it’s usual pace, and that little voice is just not as loud. And the sun shines, and the colors are bright and vibrant. Then something comes along and reminds that little voice that you are, in fact, the world’s worst anything. That you have screwed up, it’s all your fault, and look what a failure you are. And within minutes, your body has betrayed you. Your eyes get heavy and watery, your legs buckle, and you find yourself wondering just how thick the skin on the arms is. How deep is 1mm?
The clouds roll in and the colors mute a little. Like a television where the color rods are going out, your life begins to eddy back and forth from color to black and white. Any contribution you have ever made, anywhere and effort to do anything is now gone. And you stand there, answering to yourself in the most private of all settings, your own mind. A desolate wasteland of loneliness. And the only thought to cheer you up is “if I had multiple personalities, this might not be so bad”, and that doesn’t help you much.
Many people don’t understand how you can come to thoughts on hurting yourself. It’s simple really. You start with “what have I done?” which leads you down a path of ritualized self-torture and self-doubt. Note, this is all about you. Once you have properly dissected your life for any and all fruitless endeavors, you begin to come to the realization that life is just pointless. We run and run, and in the end where are we running to? Better yet, where are we running from?
At this point your brain hurts and you don’t want to even think. Which is fine, because coherent thought it pretty damned hard anyway. By now your brain is alive with the ravings of your own mind. Like there is a version of yourself in a tattered coat, messed up hair and broken glasses pulling out files of your life from a filing cabinet. He forces you to look a the contents of the folder, laughs maniacally mocking anything that could possibly have gone wrong in that part of your life. And he just spawns another version of himself doing the same thing, over and over again. Until your mind is filled not with creativity, or progressive thoughts, but with the one unifying thought between all of those little twisted versions of you…you fail.
That isn’t enough is it? That’s not enough to want to hurt yourself. It’s in your mind, and it’s loud. It’s the loudest thing you could ever imagine. That laughing, maniacal version of yourself just keeps going. God, I hear people say, God will set you free.
No, God won’t. God is in your heart. God is a creator and architect of the universe. God is not in control of my mind. And anyone who says otherwise is probably selling something or asking for donations.
No amount of knowing the right thing to do ever makes us do the right thing.
For those who care, I am not going to hurt myself. Not yet. There have been two things I have found to help out immediately. One, is to sleep. Sleep good and hard and hope that by tomorrow the clouds have passed over. The others are chocolate, a sun tan, and weed. And since weed is illegal, and I hate cancer, looks like being fat is my only option.
It’s either this, or go on anti-depressants, which pretty much make you not be miserable enough to kill yourself, and leave you with enough personality to beat out a carrot for a new standup act.
Man in the Box
August 21st, 2008 by park
Sometimes you just see things that agree with you. Or define you. Or just make you laugh. Enjoy!
Heck I forgot to put down who this was! It’s from www.runawaybox.com
Ooo Burn!
August 12th, 2008 by park
Since I am on a tv-show kick, I thought I might also mention a new favorite for me now. I never take time to catch it on its regular schedule, but Burn Notice is another new series on USA. I caught most of the first season, mostly because of my appreciation for Bruce Campbell, but after watching a few, it grew on me. The cast is fantastic, and the writing is pretty sharp. Oh yeah, and if you miss McGyver, check it out. There’s alot of that feeling of inventiveness you got from that show as well. I swear, it feels like they asked G. Gordon Liddy to come be a technical advisor. (From the way I hear it, the man can kill you with a look and a paper clip.)
So yeah, great show, check it out. But it makes me think of something I have heard over and over. Alot of times you hear about celebrities and their behavior when the cameras are off. Most of it is heresay, heard it from a guy who heard it from a guy, right? Well, here’s the thing, I’ve met a bunch of them, they are pretty normal (except for maybe a coke habit or something) they just get irritated with all the retarded fanboy questions. Fair enough, after all how many times do you REALLY want someone to ask you to quote a movie you did 1000 years ago and barely remember shooting?
Well, in the past I’ve often heard some bad things said about Bruce Campbell. Now, having said that, I’ve heard some REALLY impressive stuff as well. He seems to genuinely love his fans. And he (by admission in his book) hates those who get infected with what he refers to as “the spores” of Hollywood. I have had some very reliable people tell me he was very very nice to them at book signings. And then the next book signing, he was completely asinine. Hell, everyone has a bad day right?
The thing is, I’ve often heard his reputation on the convention circuit is…less than stellar. And I have checked around with various friends in various parts of the country. It gets hard to tell if he just doesn’t want to do them anymore, or if he’s just been getting a good line on some work that happens to crop up after agreeing to go. No one seems to hold any ill-feelings, but I get the impression that no one wants to ask him out very often because of his propensity to cancel on them after they’ve made the announcement. Or worse, he isn’t terribly thrilled about signing autographs. I hope what I have heard is untrue. Or at least unfortunate circumstances.
Burn Notice is giving Bruce an exposure he isn’t used to though. They are mostly middle-aged people who enjoy a more intellectual pursuit show, but are tired of (as he put it) cop shows, damned lawyer shows or hospital shows. So it’s not sci-fi or fantasy. But I’ll say this, as an actor…he really shows off some goods in this one. Let’s hope it does better than Brisco County, and he gains a new group of fans who are at least half as devoted as his Evil-Dead fans.
I like to think I fall into that weird multi-level fanboy group. So go watch the show already, I believe it airs on Thursday nights on USA.
I guess it’s Sunny.
August 9th, 2008 by park
I wouldn’t know, never been. But from what I’ve heard, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. So I saw that the show’s pilot was conceived on like 80 bucks, and that alone made me wanna check it out. But then I thought, well how good can it be that a couple of jerks from Philly put together some lame-ass show that a network was desperate to get a “grass roots” show going for? Well, I missed it. Yeah, it’s true. I just didn’t put it on my radar seriously. And you know, once you miss the first episode, you always feel like you are missing some sort of “viewer joke” and it always leaves you only laughing nervously. Right?
Well yes and no. Thanks to Hulu.com, I love that site now, I was able to catch up on ALL the episodes. Yeah, seriously. Thanks to the internet, I no longer have to worry if I missed the pilot, or the introduction of a new character, or that “hey, why is THAT character involved suddenly?” moment. On MY schedule, I can go back and play catch up.
So here’s the thing. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is good. Granted, not for my parents. But for my generation of “hey look it’s stupid and insipid, let’s laugh” crowd it really works. Its semi-pseudo-intellectual coffee-house off-beat humor is really…nervous. It’s a very short attention span show that doesn’t really take serious issues…seriously. And to be honest, that’s its greatest asset. From abortion and dumpster babies to poor role models and heavy (I mean HEAVY) drinking and drug use, it’s all treated with a more flippant air than you will find on any television show today. It’s ballsy, altogether un-PC, and really just not terribly concerned about any sort of “social responsibility” that too many shows get hung up on.
Seriously, the new season starts soon. If you haven’t seen it before, get over to Hulu.com and check it out. Now, this ain’t Cheers folks, so leave your ethics at the door.
Autism, redux
August 3rd, 2008 by park
As anyone who knows me knows, my fiance has this gift for working with autistic children. And I wish it was her full-time career, because seriously she’s good.
At any rate, it’s brought my attention to the matter of autism in general to a little more elevation. With that in mind anytime I see something eye catching regarding it, I tend to talk about it.
http://ballastexistenz.autistics.org/?page_id=2
That is a link to a weblog from a woman is in her late 20’s. She has lived with autism for her entire life, and while she has other health problems, is amazing because she is non-verbal. The website (and from what I gather, her personal typer) is her doorway to communication. And boy does she communicate. It’s an amazing glimpse into the mind of an autistic person.
I suspect in the future there may be more to this. It’s like the soldier who was shot in the stomach, and the doctor fixed the wound, but left a flap and used it to study the effects of eating and such. We learned alot from that tiny window about the way the body works. I suspect the same may be happening with autism.
In fact, here’s an interesting thought. What if autism is some sort of next-stage of change for us as a race? Someone compared it to the emergence of feathers on dinosaurs. There was no real clue as to their purpose, but then sometime later, they used them to fly. *shrugs* It’s an interesting thought at least. Until next time.
Dr. Horrible!
July 19th, 2008 by park
Okay so you’ve gotta go see this now. No, seriously after the 20th it’s gone from the net forever. GO! Then come back.
Okay welcome back. AWESOME!
Pretty much that’s all I wanted to say. It frickin rocked. Sorry if you missed it.
Welcome back Mr. McCarthy!
May 31st, 2008 by park
So it seems Rachael Ray (she’s the semi-sexy girl-next door cooking show host with a sweet demeanor) is now a terrorist. When you read the article that is linked above, think about what historians refer to as “The McCarthy Era”. It was a time during the cold war when communist was synonymous with “evil”. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a communist, left wing, or a supporter of any kind of jihad. It’s the knee-jerk reaction to things that makes me worry.
Think about that. She wore a scarf. Now, it’s not that she thinks Hugo Chavez is a wonderful fella. Or that she has a picture of Stalin on her desk. Oh no. This is about the things that have come to “represent” things causing some republicans to get antsy. Look people, I’m Republican. Well on paper anyway. But the way our political system is moving I will be eating croissants and cheese in Canada if this nonsense escalates. The sad part is, things always get worse before they get better.
But if I remember correctly, back shortly after 9/11 the government told us to go about our daily business. Continue to live as we have lived. Or else the terrorists have won.
So now some e-tard has posted about Rachael wearing a scarf and we’re all ducking and covering?
Seriously people. Get a feeding tube and move into a home. None of us are the stupid. A piece of clothing does not make a person a supporter of something. Sounds to me like someone is mixing up terrorist combat tactics and gang warfare tactics.
Don’t get me wrong, I get his comments. They are reasonable. Posit the question. Ask “does this mean Rachael will be nuking her audience?!” or “I bet her microwave is a WMD!” Because honestly, do you think she’s a supporter of some splinter cell?
If it raises a flag, call the CIA. Tell them. Let Dunkin Doughnuts and Rachael sort it out THEN. But for the love of all that is holy, shut the hell up.
More Hollywood Hilarity
May 20th, 2008 by park
Anyone who knows me, knows there are three people in Hollywood today I cannot stand in broad strokes. The first is Joel Schumacher, for the Batman nipples and neon Batmobile. Seriously…no matter what else he has done or will do…seriously.
Michael Bay, because someone let him direct Transformers. And while I think Bay does a good job (I mean he’s a fantastic director), he needs to stay clear of anything that is tied to my childhood. It’s called slow-motion numnuts. Try it next time you use highly-detailed, fast moving graphics. Good stuff with the explosions though. Go blow something up…I recommend a remake of Towering Inferno…seriously it was written with you in mind. (I kid you not…)
And the infamous Uwe Ball. Uwe has yet to do ANYTHING that is productive. And yet this goat fucker keeps getting work. What the hell?! Seriously. Take any movie he’s done…and tell me something positive. You can’t can you? Cause they all what? Sucked. He’s a no talent hack who apparently has found the right formula for doing JUST enough to get more work. Well, our little euro-trash shit-head has recently made a post (he and Michael Bay have some sort of online-video love affair going on) to Michael Bay’s response to Bay being a “fucking retard”. Well this inspired the following video from Uwe:
I realize that by even talking about this I am promoting Uwe. And they say there is no such thing as bad press. I disagree. I figure somehow he’s giving up the brown-eye to the right person to keep getting work, so the best I can do it continue to spread the hate of Uwe. Cause. Seriously, he’s a lunatic. And needs to be blackballed from ever directing again.
Except animal porn. I think directing animal porn would be worse than never directing again.
BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
April 30th, 2008 by park
Oh dear hearts…there is yet more to this story of learning gone wrong. Our dear friends over at the Church of Scientology , those erudite and learned people…have recently been in the news again. Yes, it’s a wonderful day when the entire population of the world turns with a glaring eye and says “Z0MG YOU PEOPLES IS QWAZY!!!!”
I don’t watch the news, as most of you probably know by now. I find the media to be too self indulgent, and without the proper borders which were instilled in my own mind when I was in journalism school. (Yeah, I learned to write gooder someplace!) But I digress. Nightline has a story worthy of the weight of a Theton…or wait…is it some other made up thing it weighs…ah hell, here’s the story pieces I found on Youtube.com
Thanks to the user Cultofscientology for posting this not six days ago.
and this is part 2:
Folks if this stuff isn’t entertaining…I don’t know how to keep you going.
Here, this talks about Tom Cruise…and you WILL smile, I promise!